When Gratitude Practice Backfires
If gratitude practice makes you feel worse, trying this instead may help.
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‘Be grateful.’
‘Practice gratitude.’
“Just find things to be thankful for! It changed my life!”
Gratitude is a wonderful thing, and can help shift our mindset. But what if you don’t want to be grateful? What about those times when you just can’t see anything to be thankful for because life feels so crappy?
Personally, I don’t always find gratitude as easy as simply asking myself, ‘what am I thankful for?’
Don’t get me wrong - I am a strong believer in gratitude, and keep a gratitude journal with other daily reflections (more on that another time). I have found that focusing on gratitude has helped me shift a lot. But contrary to how it is sometimes presented, gratitude is NOT a magic bullet or a panacea.
There are some situations when practicing gratitude can feel impossible, or even be problematic. What do I mean? Here’s a time when this happened to me:
It was one of those days when I was down in the dumps. I felt depressed, and my inner critic was having a field day. So I tried doing a gratitude practice. It seemed like a good idea - I had recently seen some glowing recommendations for it… SOOO many people said it would help.
But it backfired.
I asked myself what I was thankful for. My response was, “nothing.” I tried again, then again, asking myself different ways. Still, “nothing.” At that moment, I was incapable of seeing anything in my life that I could be grateful for, even though I had plenty to appreciate from a different mindset.
(Our mental state has a big effect on whether or not we are able to see the good things around us. For example, you can read my experience with shame storms here.)
My inner critic latched onto the fact that I could not find anything to appreciate. Suddenly this normal symptom of a depressive period became yet another weapon I used against myself. I (well, my inner critic) started attacking myself for not being able to be thankful. I called myself ungrateful, and used this to add to a mental list of reasons I was unworthy.
Trying to practice gratitude was worsening my emotional state instead of improving it. I suspect that I am not alone in having experienced this.
When can practicing gratitude be problematic?
When we are in an emotional state from which gratitude is not accessible.
If we are not able to access feelings of gratitude, forcing it is not helpful. Instead, it can create one of the next two situations.
When we are not honoring our emotions.
If we jump to trying to practice gratitude without acknowledging the emotions we are having, we are likely to suppress or bypass those emotions. While this can feel better in the moment, eventually those unresolved emotions bubble back up.
These emotions can also get in the way of us being able to feel gratitude, regardless of how many positive things are in our life.
When gratitude (or the lack of it) becomes a way to shame ourselves or others.
Not every tool or technique works for every person or every time we use it. Depending on our own personal history, beliefs, thought patterns, trauma patterns, personality, etc, different people need different tools.
People who are in the habit of looking for how they are responsible for problems (blaming themselves) are more likely to use anything that “doesn’t work” to immediately attack themselves. Similarly, someone who is stuck in a state of anger at external events or people may use their inability to find gratitude in that moment as another reason why other people or events are at fault - or something else that was “done to” them.
Tools and techniques like gratitude may work well for other people, or at different times, but can become destructive in some situations.
(I explore the many reasons why a mental health technique might not be working for you in this post!)
What can we do when gratitude isn’t working?
I stumbled on a technique that helped me, and may be helpful to other people who find themselves spiraling, catastrophizing, self shaming, and not being able to access gratitude.
I call it “Going to Neutral.”
It is a simple practice. Essentially, instead of asking yourself, “what am I thankful for,” you ask yourself, “what doesn’t suck right now?”
This might seem silly - even preposterous - to someone who is not in that kind of emotional state, but it helped me a lot, so I think it might be able to help others.
When I was spiraling into greater self-loathing because of feeling ‘ungrateful’, I found I could still notice things that could be worse.
At least there was a roof over my head while it was raining outside.
It wasn’t so bad that we had income, even if I didn’t like the amount.
I was able to be in a private place by myself during this emotional meltdown.
As I recognized a few things that didn’t suck, I started to calm down.
Not everything was a catastrophe, it just felt that way. Some things were NOT a disaster. They didn’t all suck.
It often helps to continue adding to the list of “things that don’t suck right now” until you feel the emotional intensity lessen. From this more “neutral” emotional space, it is easier to decide what you need next. Sometimes it’s attending to physical needs like food or a nap. It might be a less obvious form of self-care. It might be getting back to family members who need your attention.
And sometimes, from “neutral” we are able to answer the question, “what am I thankful for,” because gratitude is now more accessible in this emotional state.
Not feeling grateful? It’s ok. Really.
If you find yourself not feeling thankful when you feel like you should be, that’s ok. Notice what emotions you are experiencing (or the physical sensations happening in your body). Take time to honor those emotions and express them in a healthy way. Then try asking yourself, “what doesn’t suck right now?”
When you are in a better mental state, maybe you will find that you do have things to be grateful for after all.
I certainly did.
With love,
Melinda
P.S. What do you do when you are not in the mood to be grateful, but feel like you should be? Leave a comment and let me know!